She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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