I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize