Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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