Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
