I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize