she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
