i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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