Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
When are your genitals available?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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