I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
