so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
