My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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