I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
