I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize