if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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