Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
