I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
