How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize