my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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