forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
