So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
