apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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