I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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