Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
