hell yes lets make some ravioli
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
