We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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