Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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