3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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