just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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