Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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