I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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