and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
