Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize