if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
