yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize