im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
