Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
