he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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