i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
