I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
