he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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