I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
