Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He felt like a one man threesome
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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