i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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