You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
