you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
