Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
