Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
