I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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