I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
