i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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