Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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