So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
