My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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