time to smoke my breakfast
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
