My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
