If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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